Sunday, 19 September 2010
“Men seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses”
It's that time again....eye test time! I've been putting it off and putting it off for say...three years now but I seriously need to go and update my prescription. Big deal? It is to me!
I forget sometimes that I'm blind as a bat because I wear glasses in the house usually only upon waking and then going to bed. My eye sight is so bad that I've just Googled: what is the criteria for being registered blind, and define partially sighted. The rest of the time I wear contacts and I have done since I was about 14 years old. It was at this point that I could no longer bear the torture of being a glasses wearer in our village. No longer could I bear the hideous design of my plastic rimmed horrors. When I was in Primary seven, I begged my mum for a pair of metal frames and eventually she caved in. True to her word at my next opticians appointment I was allowed to choose a pair of metal frames. I chose a delicate pink pair that I thought were the bees knees and skipped along to school happy as a lark. The next day I was on playground duty, you know that whole upper school looking after the infants at playtime. I was sauntering around a corner when a seven year old boy came crashing into me a high speed, head first into my eye socket. I suffered a fractured eye socket and a pair of mangled metal framed glasses. I had a black eye for a month and a pair of honking great big purple plastic frames for another two years!
Over the years my eye sight has become progressively worse and my glasses have become progressively thicker. I usually pay an extra £200 a time to have my lenses thinned down. Not that it makes a blind (see what I did there?) bit of a difference! They're still like the bottom of beer bottles! They're just less likely to fracture my nose due to the weight. I'm always a bit worried that when I stand in direct sunlight, I might spontaneously combust.
I've always hated glasses but thought that they were becoming more socially acceptable. Many TV celebrities are seen sporting a pair. They are supposed to make one look intelligent, well read, learned even. The university is full of bespectacled geniuses. Last Sunday I trotted down to the local newsagent wearing my glasses to buy a copy of the Sunday Times and some morning rolls. Upon leaving the shop, I kindly asked a young gentleman who was currently occupying the doorway chatting on his iphone, if I could get passed. Imagine my surprise when he turned around and said to me "Can't you see I'm on the fucking phone, you fucking four eyed c**t?"....
A lesser person would have cried into their black pudding.... (bastard!)
I should start a pool so the readers can guess what my prescription is now. £1 a go, all proceeds go to thinning out my lenses...lol.