Sunday, 21 August 2011

One of those days...


I love my life (I think I have said this before) but sometimes disaster strikes. Sometimes it is through my own fault, sometimes, an act of the Gods*, sometimes just sheer bad luck. My life goes along swimmingly until I somehow unknowingly show some hubris and then it all goes wrong. BOOM!

Well...it's not my life per se. Some people have REAL disasters and mine are well, disasters of the slapstick sort. Once the dust settles, everything resumes as normal but when I go through a disastrous period, a series of slapstick events occur that really just make you want to crawl into bed, wave a white flag and some out when the vengeful Gods have found something else to occupy themselves. 

Last weekend I was supposed to be taking A to a BBoy competition and I had been ill for the later part of the week. I've no idea what was up but was shattered and feeling a bit gross. I hate being ill and so just cracked on anyway until Friday night where I had to say to OD, I think I'm really quite unwell, followed by a huge pout and sloping off to bed early. So on Saturday he offered to take A to the competition while I stayed at home with B to recuperate. After an entire morning indoors I started to feel better and so took B off to an art gallery and offered to join OD for a coffee while A was at the competition.I eventually fought my way the streets of the City Centre with the buggy (Festival time!) and tried to get into a cafe to settle there until OD could join us. I was feeling rubbishy again and waited patiently to be seated only to be told by the owner that I could not come in with the buggy. I wasn't leaving it outside and so I left to go elsewhere. For four streets every cafe, bistro bar and restaurant was full and I was contemplating going home when I spotted a new cafe. I wait to be seated and was approached by a leggy European waitress 

"Ow many?" she says. 
"Two please" I say. 
"Huh?" she says
"Two please" I say.
Eh? she says
"Two (holding up fingers). Please" I say
"Okay" she says.
We are shown to our table. "Can I have a high chair please?" I ask. 
"Huh?" she says
"A high chair?" I say
She motions to other waitress, they mutter and the other one says "yes?"
"A high chair? For the baby?" I resort to pigeon English.
"Huh?" this one says
"A. Seat. For. The. Baby?" I say
"Yes, yes" she says and goes off.
Five minutes later: no high chair.
They comes to take my order. I say they because there are three of them now looking expectantly at me. I order and Americano and one goes pfft and goes to make it I presume. Ten minutes later and no coffee. The cafe is not busy at all and now I'm wondering if this is the cause. I'm treated to the sight of a very bohemian French couple talking about art while their toddler plays with a packet of Gauloises, ripping them to shreds to keep himself amused while his parents talked of higher things. 

I cut my losses and run. Well, no. I don't actually run because I'm being completely ignored now. I could turn around and give them the finger before I leave and none of them would bat an eyelid. I don't because I don't do that sort of thing. I'm making my way home and decide to stop at Tescos for some accompaniments for dinner and I'm just about done in the slowest queue in the world and I hear a little grunt come from the buggy. Just a tenny tiny grunt. Then the smell hits me. B has filled her nappy. Bums! Ten minutes later we emerge from the supermarket and go to get the bus. I have no bloody money on me and so I go to the cash machine and try and take out some cash. It declines my card. I know I have money and so I try again and it says thta I can only draw out £20. I start to panic, "where has all my money gone?"** I can feel a cold sweat coming on but decide to investigate later, knowing something technical has gone awry. I get on the bus trying to ignore the smell coming from B and arrive 20 minutes later at my front door. 

But where are my keys? I mentally go through my maneuvers that morning. Oh balls, I've left them in my jacket! (the jacket I forgot to take even though it was pissing down outside). I try to phone OD, no signal and it would be another three hours before they would come out. I go to the local shop and with my last £20 buy baby wipes because I don't have any left in the nappy bag and go to the nearest park to change B. She has diarrhea  It's everywhere and I mean everywhere. I change her and throw her vest in the bucket along with the smelliest nappy in the world and so I feel really bad for the bin men. Just as I'm putting her back together I feel something wet on my hand and I spin around. A dog has just licked me. A bloody dog! I'm severely allergic to dogs and so my hand blisters immediately. B is now overcome with excitement at seeing a dog and runs about wild. I'm trying to gather everything up and run, hoping that the owner (and B for that matter) didn't hear me swear at the dog. 

We run to the Meadows so I can dump her in the sandpit and sit down to rethink our evening. I go to Tescos on the way there to but some water to wash my hands and it's there that I realise that the previous shop keeper has given me change of a tenner and not £20! I phone the shop and they claim not to know what I was talking about or that I had even been in (this is our local shop).

Aaargh!

I get to the Meadows, plonk B in the sand pit and sit slumped on the nearest bench. Just then I hear sirens and see flashing lights and a hysterical woman by the enterence to the park. She has been mugged it turns out and I am now being questioned by the police! By now, OD and A have emerged and we get a takeaway (as the food I bought was probably spoiled by now) and bugger off home. I crawl under the covers and come out on Sunday. Which was a very nice quiet day. 

*disclaimer: when I say Gods, I mean the Olympians not the Christian kind. 

**Tescos had charged me £145 instead of £14.50!

4 comments:

  1. the moral of the story here i believe is never trust a corporate unity and especially screw tesco's!

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  2. Bang on! Although I was screwed over by the little man too that day. Am currently boycotting the shop and have no milk! ;)

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  3. you need a cow or a goat, they need less space and are way cuter

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  4. I know! Bella would love that.

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