Saturday, 1 October 2011

My F**k-it List

**WARNING: contains swearing!

So my momentary Bucket List is drawn up, full of desires and dreams and goals that I may never or I might one day achieve. With this spirit in mind, I give you my Fuck-it List.

This is a list of things that I could live quite happily without ever having to do again. Things that I thought I once wanted but realise now that they're pointless. Things I will never get around to doing, perhaps unconsciously as they bore the arse off me. Or if you like, here is my list of things I do NOT want to do before I die.

1) Ironing. I hate it, it is so boring. I would rather stick pins in my eyes. Over the years I've tried various tactics to try and quell the utter boredom this chore produces. This includes watching TV, listening to the radio, iPod playlists, reading a book and nothing helps make this task bearable. Over the years I have offered various favours to OD so he can take charge of the load but he irons like he was still in the army! As in "I've only got about five pieces of clothes to iron and so it can take me ten minutes to iron a shirt". He always carries this out in front of me, and I usually manage about 30 minutes before grabbing the iron and doing it all myself. Last week, I ironed for seven hours. Seven bleeding hours....(I counted)

2) Learning to Drive. I hate this and there are no people in the world who are worse than other drivers. I don't mind sitting next to people on public transport who smell of wee and whisky.

3) Dealing with utility companies and other household admin. I spend an obscene amount of my life on the phone to some bureaucrat or company trying to get them to sort out mistakes that they've made. I am not trained in their job, yet I understand how things work or should be worked out better than them.

4) Taking up a sport. I am the epitome of the asthmatic nerd. Even the thought of a sport brings me out in a rash.

5) Get married. OD has a thing about marriage. After eight years and two kids, if he's going to piss off, then he'll piss off regardless of a bit of paper.

6) Meditate. I suspect I have some sort of borderline ADHD and my idea of inner peace is happy kids and a tidy house and good food in my belly. I tried it once and I got bored. The same goes for Tai Chi: it's too slow!

7) Enjoy camping. I'm not the outdoorsy sort. I cringe at sensible waterproof, windproof clothing and refuse to run about like some middle-aged bag lady in Berghaus.

8) Live in a small town or village ever again. Some people are built for small towns and small minds and live in blissful ignorance of the world around them. They bring their kids up in the same way in this self-perpetuating cycle of unambitious X-Factor dreaming nonsense. My kids will live, be individuals, they will achieve and never utter the words Cheryl Cole. They will not fade into obscurity.

9) Get anything below my neck waxed. After eight years and two kids get the idea.

10) Please everyone. Some people are dicks. I am related to quite a few of them and I no longer give a flying fuck what they think of me. Some people are just horrid and will hate you regardless of how nice you are to them.

11) Be a single digit clothing size again. Eight years and two kids ass is huge!

12) Wear high heels. I have a shoe cupboard. Yes, an entire cupboard just for shoes and I can't walk in a single pair of them for more than 30 minutes. Not compatible with my lifestyle at all.

13) Wear fake tan. Since when did it become acceptable to be fucking orange? I mean seriously, there is an acceptable level of orangey-ness with the majority of bubbleheads out there aspire to. Somehow the masses of Europe have mistaken a healthy glow for jaundice. Miss B was this colour at two days old and it wasn't acceptable then either!

14) Wear a thong. Just say no people. I'd rather have VPL than have my bum flossed, thank you very much.

15) Learn to like fish. Bleurgh. Anything that gets cooks with its eyes still attached is just plain wrong.

16) Follow fashions. I never like to be told to do anything and I couldn't give a shit what Heat magazine says I should be wearing.

F**k it!

What's your list?


  1. Love that you echo so many of my sentiments, especially tanning, heels and people pleasing xx

  2. Love this post. agree with most of them apart from the bus! although I hate driving. x

  3. With you on just about every single one of these - I do drive - I like driving - tho the price of petrol these days means we've all been walking or bussing it a bit more. And I like my small village next to my small town and don't feel small minded or tending towards raising small minded children - and I suspect the passengers on our small buses smell nicer ;)


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