What a Difference a Day Makes...

I'm changing my medication at the moment and just when I thought that my 'chemical imbalance' as I affectionately call it had levelled out, I'm all over the place again.

I've been stuck in the house for days nursing Boo, the pox patient and I wrote this post yesterday when I was having a very black day. What I felt yesterday was fleeting. It lasted a day and then subsided again and today I feel better. But I don't feel relived that I feel better today, I feel frustrated that I felt so bad yesterday for no reason other than an imbalance of chemicals...

Today I am so severely depressed that I wish I were dead. Why, you ask? 

Well, that’s the kicker. I'm depressed not for any real situational reason, but because my brain decided not to produce an important chemical I need to feel happy. If it were situation, I feel as though it would be easier to understand (those with situational depression, please don’t take offence), because at least then I could say, look at this terrible event that happened to me, my life sucks, no wonder I want to die. But instead, I open my eyes this morning to such an overwhelming sense of sadness that my entire body aches.

Before you get concerned that I’m going to end my life, let me reassure you that I will never commit suicide. I have two beautiful kids that need a mother and I would never take that away from them. It’s because of those two that I get out of bed and try to lead a normal life despite the crushing weight I feel with every breath.

The first clue something was amiss was this morning when I felt as though I physically couldn’t wake up. After 9 hours of sleep I was still exhausted. I think a recent medication adjustment is not helping and some stress I've been dealing with recently is a factor.

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew my day was screwed. The weight of depression was crushing down on me and my only option was to get out of bed and act like I was okay for my kids. After having my breakfast, I showered in the hopes that it would make me feel better. It didn’t. Then I thought about dying my hair purple because I have been feeling agitated and needing a change. I'm not sure I will like it if I do.

I spent the day administering various potions and lotions to Boo and keeping both of them fed and occupied.

After a completely wasted day, I’m wait on OD coming home so I can make the dinner and go to bed. I can only hope that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling “normal