How not to Respond to a Mental Health Check Up from your Local HealthVisitor

I'm going to jazz up the blog and update a few things when I get a moment. I'm busy writing my CV as I am applying for jobs. In the meantime I thought I would share this:

How not to respond to a mental health check up from your local Health Visitor:

HV: Hello. My name is so-and-so. I'm taking over for blah-de-blah who retired would you mind answering a few questions?
ME: Sure, no problem!
HV: Do you think that you might hurt your child?
ME: I've got two children.
HV: Erm...are you sure?
ME: No he's imaginary...
HV: Right, I see *scribbles furiously
ME: No. I have a 13 year old son. I'm pretty sure it's in my notes somewhere.
HV: Right...*rifles through notes
ME: Sorry. In reference to your original question: no, I don't think about harming them.
HV: *More scribbling
ME: How many people actually admit to thinking about harming their kids? I mean how many drunk drivers admit to having consumed excessive amounts of alcohol before the breathalyser reveals the truth?
HV: *Looks panic stricken...
ME: *Flailing of arms. Not that I'm hiding anything, I'm just curious...
HV: Erm...
ME: Right let's move on to the next question?
HV: Yes. Do you feel that art therapy would be useful?
ME: Well I have a sewing machine that I haven't taken out off the box yet so probably not...
HV: Excuse me?
ME: No, I don't think that painting my feelings will help. I've requested CBT from the start of my treatment yet, the local hospital don't think that I'm depressed enough. I'll try staring at my bank balance before my next evaluation. *chuckles.
HV: *alarmed and scribbling. Oh right...are you having financial problems?
ME: *facepalm. No. Can you chase up my CBT for me please and cite my black humour as evidence?
HV: *confused and getting impatient. Right, I'll speak to your doctor and here's my phone number if I can help you with anything. *leaves promptly.